Back to school struggles—how to make it easier on your kids and on yourself

Published on Psychology Today

When my oldest son Edwin first started preschool, it was incredibly stressful. He was about 3 and it was the first time in a big classroom for him. As a sensitive, quiet child, he was very upset on the first day. He cried and clung to me, and it broke my heart to see his little hand reaching for me with tear-soaked eyes as I left him there. Needless to say, I cried too. A lot. This type of morning ritual went on for a couple of weeks, which was heart wrenching. Edwin cried every morning when he left me, and his teachers told me that he would repeat to himself “mommy always comes back” at several points in the day to remind himself that he would see me soon. The experience with my second child, Charlie, couldn’t have been more different. The minute I dropped him off at preschool, Charlie smiled, took his teacher’s hand and was gone. He woke up every day happy to go and happy to see his teacher and his friends. Edwin got there too, it just took some time. Now—at age 10—he is a completely different kid; he is excited to go to school, even on the first day of a new school year, eager to see what adventures await. But again, that took time.

The first day of school is hard for some kids, and some parents. Why do some kids struggle, and others take it in stride? And what can parents do to make the transition easier—on their kids and on themselves? I’m hoping science can help.

The first thing to remember is that children have their own personalities, or what we call temperament, right from birth, and that temperament can play a major role in whether your child is going to struggle or sail through a new transition like the first day of school. A long history of research suggests that temperament—or a person’s own style of emotional responding to the environment—can be first identified in infants as young as 4 months of age. It is measured by showing infants some simple toys, like a mobile with several hanging animals, and studying how they react. This simple test at 4 months has shown quite consistently that babies who become overwhelmed or emotionally distressed in response to a hanging mobile are the ones most likely to become shy as they get older (Kagan, 1997). These babies are particularly sensitive to any type of change in the environment and may get easily upset by even the most routine of activities, like a doorbell ringing or a diaper change. In contrast, babies that react positively to these changes, or don’t react at all, are the ones most likely to become very social as preschool-aged children. If your child has a more reactive temperament or reacts negatively to changes in the environment or routines, they might have a hard time with the transition to school just like Edwin did.

But it isn’t just kids entering preschool or kindergarten for the first time who struggle. Any transition to a new school year could be difficult and anxiety provoking for kids, and this is especially true for kids entering high school for the first time. Research has shown that the transition to high school can be particularly difficult and is associated with anxiety, depression, and even loneliness. High school teachers might not be as nurturing or supportive (at least from the adolescent’s perspective) and indeed, teenagers tend to rate their teachers in high school as less helpful than those of years past (Benner, 2011).

So what do we do to ease the stress of the first day of school? For the littlest kids, it’s important to remember that preschool-aged children aren’t that good at regulating their emotions, especially the bad ones. They might not be able to calm themselves down when stressed about the idea of school and need lots of support and encouraging words from their caregivers. This is especially true for kids who have more reactive temperaments and who are the most prone to stress when facing a transition. However, the good news is that being in a classroom might actually help them with future social situations. In fact, there is evidence that having positive interactions with peers at daycare can make any child more social over time (Almas et al., 2011).

And no matter how old your child is, the core issue with school transitions is that it forces kids to move from a day-to-day that is familiar and predictable, to a day-to-day that is new and unpredictable, at least for a few weeks or months while the child gets used to their new surroundings. This is especially hard for kids with more reactive temperaments—since the unpredictability is exactly what causes them to react (Benner, 2011). One thing you can do is to try to make the unpredictable more predictable for them. Talk through what they might expect on their first day; maybe even ask if you can visit the classroom first if that helps. Focus on how the transition could bring new opportunities, activities, classes, and friends. Viewing a transition as an opportunity instead of something to fear can be empowering, so trying to reframe it that way with your child could help (Benner, 2011).

At the end of the day, the first day of school might bring tears and fears, but it is something we all get through as children, and something we will all get through as parents. And remember that there is nothing wrong with being a little shy or slow to warm up to new experiences. Some kids just need time to adjust to new surroundings before they are ready to jump in and join the fun. And pretty soon, that new unpredictable environment won’t feel so new and unpredictable anymore; for you or for your child.

Photo by: Lucélia Ribeiro, CC BY-SA 2.0 via Wikimedia Commons

References

Almas, A. N., Degnan, K. A., Fox, N. A., Phillips, D. A., Henderson, H. A., Moas, O. L., & Hane, A. A. (2011). The relations between infant negative reactivity, non‐maternal childcare, and children's interactions with familiar and unfamiliar peers. Social Development, 20, 718-740.

Benner, A. D. (2011). The transition to high school: Current knowledge, future directions. Educational psychology review, 23(3), 299-328.

Kagan, J. (1997). Temperament and the reactions to unfamiliarity. Child Development, 68, 139-143.